Going Deeper…

As of late quite a lot of thoughts seem to beg to go from pen to paper. I do not allow it though. I tend to do that when I am chewing on something, sorting the madness out. Usually it turns out well by practicing this method of shutting down and shutting out that I have. It allows me to sort out emotions and not damage others while I do so. It prevents me from lashing out at certain ones that seem to make it the main goal of their life to push my buttons and back me into a corner until I come out fighting. And that behavior never solves anything for anyone.

I find myself in bit of a lonely spot some lately. Even within the chaos, I had found comfort in being linked to another human being in an intimate relationship. However, I in no way desire a relationship of that kind at this time in my life. It’s much like me wanting a puppy, but I know that one doesn’t really fit into my life. I didn’t have a friendship with my last partner. I think I have gone so long without that in my life that I was lonely a very long time before I was single.

Someone I have not spoken to in years asked me to dinner this past week. I said that I would at some point when my life was a bit more sorted. This person was receptive to waiting. He didn’t ask for a timeline or for any sort of explanation. He hasn’t contacted me since. It is quite nice not to feel like a gazelle out in the open and to feel like a man can actually respect that I have said “yes, but not now”. Every man in my life has always pursued hard and pushed for me to do as they wanted, disregarded my wishes entirely. This man, he is a good man, a Godly man, with his life pretty as a picture, but I cannot allow myself that…yet.

Why? Because I want to go deeper still with God. Before I ever even think about a date, I want to be firmly grounded in the person God wants me to be. I want to be strong enough to hold firmly to my boundaries and posses enough conviction in being that person that I have no problem turning away from someone at the first red flag waved.

I am digging taproots in my own garden. I need energy to complete this endeavor and know if I began talking to someone, even on friends only terms, that I will once again abandon my path. So, for now and whatever amount of time it takes, I stand alone.

Alone isn’t as bad as it sounds. I come home every day to family. This week I had brunch with my youngest cub. I had dinner with a friend Saturday and her and I have promised to do this more often. I work with an amazing group of people who are all pleasant conversationalists.

Alone is only lonely if I lose sight of practicing gratitude. I am only lonely when I concentrate on the thought of that I have lost something or someone, or if I linger too long in a past memory. I got hung up there a bit this last week. I felt panicked that I was on the cusp of failure. It was scary to feel those feelings, to wonder if I will be able to stay in control of my heart and my flesh and seek God and to be steadfast in the path I have chosen. I did the only thing I know to do. I talked about my feelings to a friend and I prayed.

I must say that it is great to go about my life and not report to a person of my goings and comings. If I want to go to the gym, I go. If I want to binge watch a show, there is no one’s approval needed. By the way, I am currently binge watching The Crown, and it is amazing! I can have a protein smoothie for dinner and not be made to feel bad for not having prepared a meal. Within reason, I do what I want, when I want, no compromises necessary. It is a lot like what I would have imagined my life would have been like had I not become a Mother at such a young age. For the most part in my life now, I find great contentment and feel happiness often.

Gardening has always been one of my hobbies of which I am most fond. I cannot wait to see the seeds that are being planted now grow to be healthy and mature.

If you find yourself in the midst of chaos, fear and loss, I hope you choose to rise above it and see the opportunities available. I hope you remember to take a deep breath when you feel the need to lash out at the ones who injure your soul. I hope you hear God say to you “come with me; spend time with me”. I hope you also go deeper with God.

⁵ For this very reason, make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge; ⁶ and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness; ⁷ and to godliness, mutual affection; and to mutual affection, love.

2 Peter 1:5-7