Broken Like Me…A Letter to all the Shaes

A narcissist will say they love you. They are not capable of real love. You are the band-aid for the wounds they cannot face to heal themselves. They love how both the places you are broken along with your strengths feed their ego, cover their insecurities and empower them. The narc envies your aura and the way you are accepted and loved by others. They envy your intelligence, your heart, your happiness. I promise each time that person says those words that make you cling to even a thread of hope, they say those exact words to every ex they have ever bedded and still have contact with and similar words to the ones currently being primed to take a temporary position alongside them in bed. The sexual conquests are necessary to the fragile ego of a narc. But of course, they always want the ideal partner at home to portray that all important outward appearance for the world of perfection.

A narcissist is never faithful, not for long periods of time. Usually they are only faithful in the beginning until they know for sure they have you hooked on their lies and for short periods of time after you have caught them being unfaithful. I promise there’s a trail of ex partners so long that you could have never even imagined. One by one they make their way to the surface, along with new pursuits by way of those hideous sites such as POF or Tinder and of course there is always the ole faithful facebook messenger. It isn’t the ex-partner’s fault most of the time (or the new person). More times than not, they’re being lied to and told by the narc he/she is single. The exes and new people are likely just versions of you. They too believe the beast that you call home, the one you believe is your person, your safe place in this chaotic world.. A narc is VERY CHARMING and an excellent salesperson.

I know it hurts. I wish I knew the exact steps to tell you to take to free yourself. However, the only thing I know to tell you is turn to God, try your best to get into His perfect will. Educate yourself on narcissism and mental health in general. Take care of yourself and try not to isolate yourself from those people you have that genuinely love you. Keep busy and try to fill your days as much as possible (work, gym, studying, going back to school, church, volunteer work). Realize that thing in you that makes you need them and fix it. Repair that part of you that fools you into believing you have earned this punching bag love.

The relationship never makes the full circle you pray for. The charming, wonderful, caring, attention giving person at the beginning was a facade. That person never existed. That character was the yummy bait on the hook that you have swallowed. You will see brief appearances of that character at times when the narcissist fears loosing their grip on you. It’s just a tactic for them to gain control once again. They know how genuine your love is for them. They know you want to believe there’s good in them. And you cannot admit to yourself that an evil like their true self could exist. So, more than likely you will ignore your gut instincts  and surrender your will once  more to your abuser.

Sometimes it takes a long time to decide to accept and face the truth of who the person truly is that you fell in love with. Sometimes you know but you will still make excuses or let the fear of doubt paralyze you into not leaving. Once under the influence of a seasoned narc, you will doubt your every ability. You will even doubt that they have indeed betrayed you in the worst ways, even when exes come forth and provide proof of the betrayal. You will get there in your own time. Try not to be so hard on yourself when you finally realize that that person not only doesn’t love you as much as you love them, but they don’t love you at all. Try not to build walls to block the pain when this happens. If you allow yourself to go numb, you will linger still. Be angry. Defend yourself. Choose yourself! Don’t let satan continue to trap you with the demons this narc has allowed to rule their soul.

You cannot save them. They like who and what they are. Yes, what broke them is awful and never should happen to a person. But it happened and you didn’t cause it, cannot control it and cannot cure it. Love is a powerful emotion and it can be healing, but not with this person. I promise love won’t heal a narc. Trust me, I have tried loving narcissists whole my entire life. Ha! I have even left one narc relationship and walked right into another one with an even worse narc. Yes, there are varying degrees of narcissistic abuse and each narc is a bit different than the other. They will share similarities but can still be vastly different from one another. And that makes it even harder to spot them sometimes. The only thing that will come from sticking with a narc is financial ruin and your decline in health (physical, mental and emotional).

You deserve better. You deserve so much more than the scraps you are fed by them. Scraps that allow you to hope and that allow the relationship to continue along such a horrid path full of destruction, sadness and bitterness, only peppered with tenderness and laughter. Forget friendship or partnership because your only purpose is to serve them. You will never be allowed to be happy for any length of time while a narc occupies space in your life.

Now, they will paint a picture for you. It looks like this…you are unworthy of anything good in life apart from them and what they offer. Everything they do for you is because they are such a wonderful soul, nothing you receive from them or anyone else is of your own merit. The narc will tell you they are the only one making any contribution to the relationship, whether it is financial or emotional. NOTHING you do will be appreciated by this person. On the rare occasion the narc tells you that you are great, wonderful and appreciated…it’s love bombing again. It is just a tactic used by them to keep you underneath them, to cause you to abandon the doubts you have about them and the relationship. They will say to you that you should be grateful they even looked your way in the beginning. You should forever feel indebted to them because they have made such sacrifices for you. You are never allowed to complain or have an opinion. If you do, they will surely remind you of all the above I have listed (and probably more). If you have a headache, backache or are sick, you will receive no care or sympathy from the narc. They will even tell you their ailments are so much worse than yours so you don’t get to complain or get attention. Know what? You will feel bad for complaining!!! Because you are so brainwashed by them. Oh and when you confront them with proof of their cheating or dare ever question suspicions you may have, get ready for a narc rage. Rage is their go to because they know it scares you and you will back down. They know rage will get them out of the hot seat with you over THEIR betrayal. A narc is a masterful manipulator. Let me warn you, when you leave them, they will guilt trip you with “you said you’d love me forever; you said we would always be together; you told me this morning as I was leaving for work that you loved me and missed me already”…you get the picture. I have given into these guilt trips in the past. I did promise to love my narc forever and promised to always stay. I didn’t give myself permission to stick up for myself’ and to the person I loved. That person was a lie and I unknowingly promised to live in an abusive and unfaithful relationship. You MUST choose yourself! No one is coming to your rescue, not like you even trust anyone to rescue you.

Because you are human, you yourself will make mistakes. You will do and say hurtful things, even if unintentional. The things will be held over your head for the entirety of the relationship. And your mistakes will totally void any mistake they ever make. When, not if, they cheat it will be your fault. They will tell you time and time again how them tripping and falling between another’s legs is on you. Maybe you became distant, maybe you stood up for yourself and that will be the excuse they need to shred your heart with a betrayal that even if you forgive, you will never forget. That pain lingers a lifetime I believe.

One day you will wake up and remember the you before them. I pray that you run that day! If you let the day pass and lose your courage, the relationship will continue down the same path as always until you have your next awakening. If you ever make it out please be ever so careful with your heart. It’s so easy to fall into another trap. Narcissist have some sixth sense with people like us. They are pulled to us because our love is so powerful, so loyal, so dedicated. I am almost certain that our kind should never date anyone again. Not because we are flawed, but because we are too willing to love a beautifully broken soul. One of my sons told me several years ago that I should never date again. He said I was a lighthouse for every broken person, eventually they would always find me and I don’t possess the ability to see through their lies. Even when I do see through them (red flags early on), I always choose to believe in the best in people. I have the hardest time giving up on a human, especially a soul that I love.

I am sorry you met your narc. I wish I could hug everyone of you that share this pain that I carry. I am sorry that you trusted this person with your heart, your wallet, your family and friends. I am sorry you have to go through the long journey to heal yourself and rebuild your finances and life. I am sorry that now your heart is so scarred that it will be that much harder for you to trust, even yourself.

Once again I have posted something that gives no resolution and I apologize for this. I apologize that I have no checklist to offer, no better words of advice to pass along. But I do have another promise for you…I promise you that narcissist in your heart and your life isn’t worthy of YOU! You are amazing! You deserve to be happy, appreciated, loved and to have peace.

There is an album by The Cure called Disintegration. I loved it as a girl. I still love the songs. They transport me to a time I let myself rarely go to, but as I write this several songs from the album keep coming to mind. So, those are the quotes.

Why why why are you letting me go? she says
I feel you pulling back
I feel you changing shape
And just as I’m breaking free
She hangs herself in front of me
Slips her dress like a flag to the floor
And hands in the sky
Surrenders it all

From the Edge of the Deep Green Sea ~The Cure

And every time I try to pick it up
Like falling sand
As fast as I pick it up
It runs away through my clutching hands
But there’s nothing else I can really do
There’s nothing else I can really do
There’s nothing else I can really do
At all

A Letter to Elise ~The Cure

Looking so long at these pictures of you 
But I never hold on to your heart 
Looking so long for the words to be true
But always just breaking apart
My pictures of you

Pictures of You ~The Cure