The Woman I Want to BE…

So, surprise, surprise, I have had yet another upheaval in my life. I walked away from a job, medical insurance and a 401K. I had wanted to for awhile but kept having hope that things would improve. They did not. So, I walked.

Many in my life think I should do something about the situation legally. But what almost no one understands is that to my core I am serious about my Christian walk and I have been this serious since I rededicated my life back in May 2015. Do I trip up, sin, back-slide all along the way? YES! Yes, I do, even in big ways sometimes.

One of my interpretations of trying to be Christ like is I don’t get to dole out justice, revenge or judgement. I don’t get an eye for an eye. I get to turn the other cheek. I get to trust that God has a plan. I get to turn to Jesus to sympathize with my hurts and the Holy Spirit to comfort me. I am serious about practicing agape love as well as I can, being human and all.

And now I am going to talk about the messy stuff that most push down and go to great lengths to hide from others. I made a decision, now I get to live out the consequences of the decision. It has been an awful week that started with Sunday. I spent the better part of Sunday and Monday crying, consumed with fear, sadness, and the overwhelming need for it all to end. I begged God to just let me be done here. I am tired of the starting overs.

Well, it is Friday and I am still here. So, once again He is saying no. I wish I knew what he was grooming me for. I wish I knew my purpose. All through the week He keeps sending me messages to hang in there. Monday I laid in bed with a migraine and getting sicker with bronchitis and sinusitis. While in bed I researched what ways of suicide were the most effective, the best percentages of ending successfully and how they were rated on the pain scale. I stopped wearing my seat belt awhile ago just in case I am in a wreck that maybe that could work out for me. In the research it turns out that a shotgun, although intensely painful has the best success rate and one of the shortest time spans. Well, that terrifies me to think of those few seconds of pain that I cannot quite imagine. So, I settle on hanging once again. It is mid to high pain, takes a little longer but is also an effective means at which to end ones life.

Then in the middle of all this research I am doing, this story pops up in the search about me not having the right to end what God is doing in me. I read the article, bawl my eyes out and decided, “okay, I hear ya, God.” I got out of bed and went and bought a tag, called my regional manager and quit my job and completed a couple of other errands.

Tuesday, yeah it sucked too. Wednesday I found myself looking up how to tie the noose and which kind of rope was the best. Picking out my spot where I would do it. I knew who I was going to text just before I did it to tell them to call Collins-Burke Funeral Home to come get my body and for the person to keep my kids away from where I would be until it was all over. Then God put my daughter-in-law in my day to go grocery shopping with and to just be with and get out of my own head where the demon whispers had turned to screams.

Thursday, equally bad day. Screamed at and cussed at by someone. Customers calling and texting. Not to mention the real estate agents, insurance and mortgage clients still reaching out to me as their point of contact and me having to redirect them. So Thursday I resigned and started making my plan. I had already researched means by which to accomplish my ending. Now, I needed to start tidying up things so everything isn’t so messy in my finances and stuff for my kids to sort through. Oh and if you get a company paid life insurance policy and off yourself, it still pays or supposedly if you have a policy for over a year. I don’t know if I trust that thought. I got tired of being in my head and was called away to go help with a job. Like always when I leave the house, I put my air pods in my little ears and turned on my praise music. Jesus spoke to me through it all and said hang in there. So, I muddled through my day. I wasn’t happy, mad, sad. I just was.

It is Friday now. I have been angry quite a lot at the beginning of my day. Then exhaustion followed and I became numb once again. I had a couple of errands that needed to be completed in Mountain Brook and Chelsea. I had my air pods in but decided to turn on the radio instead, 93.7. There was a woman saying to hang in there. She wanted people to know that she is in her 50’s and things that she prayed for in her 20’s are now coming to pass. I listened to Tony Evans and the hardships he has had in his personal life and his ministry life. I listened to the songs. I put my seat belt on. I am not mad or sad, confused and frustrated, yeah that.

I had this life once. I was someone’s wife. It wasn’t a perfect marriage. As a matter of fact, it had a lot of problems. But within that marriage I found my identity, who I know I was created to be. I loved having our children to care for and being involved in church and the community and being a good wife. I was content. And that was enough for me.

When I was growing up I wanted to be a forensic psychiatrist with a minor in journalism. I had it all planned out by the age of 12. I was never going to marry or have children because I did not believe that love lasted between men and women and I didn’t want to bring children into such an evil world. I was going to go to college, get my degree, practice in my field, then later teach at a college level and write a book on all that I had seen in my practicing years as a forensic psychiatrist. But my journey took a detour when I got pregnant with my first child. I married when he had just turned 6. I don’t regret any of it.

I have tried unsuccessfully since the break down of that marriage to recreate that world. I don’t think it is going to happen. I have no clue really what I need to be doing right now. I don’t know a direction to charge into. I don’t have much hope or fight in me at the moment. I am doing what is necessary, what is demanded.

On the way back from Chelsea today I listened to a pastor preach on Paul. I cannot ever remember this man’s name, but he has a funny accent and I love to hear him talk and I like his messages. Today he talked about Paul and how Paul says he is strongest when he is weak. He read from 2 Corinthians 10. I have once again been told this week that I am too honest, too open. I don’t understand that, never have, never will. I am so sick of being criticized for being kind, honest, moral, ethical, too Christian. I know God created each of us with a specific purpose. Oh how I want to know mine. How badly I want to step into that and do what I was created to do. But for now, I guess I need strength to push through until it is revealed to me what that purpose is. I trust that these trials are molding me into what I need to be. I just hope that I can withstand the storm. It’s funny that I hope that still. Even with longing to be gone from this world, I still hope for something in this world. Ha…maybe I am just that crazy.

Honestly, I really just want to be a wife, a mom, a grandmother. I want to keep house and my grands and work with my friend designing flowers for weddings and events. I want…right. It isn’t that I don’t want what God wants. I just don’t know what he wants. But I am hanging in there still as of tonight.

There is no wisdom offered in this blog post. I just decided to share my messy middle with you so that if you too are running out of hope that you can see you are not alone. I would venture to say there are more like me than anyone could fathom. I don’t care to pretend right now in my life that all is fine and I am 10 foot tall and bullet proof. I’m not. I am scared, fragile, lonely, sad, hurt. God will use me, I know this. I just have to keep my eyes on him.

The funny little accent pastor said something like this today…There is one of you. You are unique. You are special. No one else on earth has your smile, your voice, your thoughts, your heart, your ways, your walk all uniquely combined to be the you that you are. God created you with your unique combination of traits for a purpose.

³ For though we walk in the flesh, we do not war after the flesh: ⁴ (For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal, but mighty through God to the pulling down of strong holds;) ⁵ Casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ; ⁶ And having in a readiness to revenge all disobedience, when your obedience is fulfilled.

2 Corinthians 3-6 (KJV)

“If you want to claim credit, claim it for God.” What you say about yourself means nothing in God’s work. It’s what God says about you that makes the difference.

2 Corinthians 17-18 (the message)