We all dream of him (or her), that perfect person that we want to give our forever & always. Then the universe sends us someone. They are charming, smart, attractive and spoiling you rotten. Within just days or weeks this person confesses their love and says that you are the soul mate they have always wished for to belong to them for all their days.
You get caught up in the feelings and all the mushpup happenings, forgetting time and your checklist. You may have just said, “Wait, what? Checklist?”, and my answer to that is your wants and needs checklist so that you can make a pros and cons checklist. Please tell me you have one to refer to for important decisions, like entering into a relationship.
When you are caught up in feelings, a checklist will call your attention to those red flags that your heart hides from your mind. I have almost always used one for any important decisions (IE. jobs, big expenditures, relationships). My ex-husband was even offended when he found out I had used one when making my decision to marry him. And there were more cons on the list than pros, but the pros outweighed the cons. So, I felt like it was a wise decision to carry through with marriage with him. We were married for almost 14 years. We should have used a checklist before we signed those papers and ripped our family to shreds but hind-sight is perfect. Anything is possible with God, but you have to give it to Him first. Anyway…shiny object, back to the topic.
One of the times in my life that I failed to check those boxes while I was caught up in the feelings of the moment, I unknowingly entered into probably the most toxic relationship of my life. The checklist you have is part of protecting your boundaries, guarding your heart, and stepping away from your emotions to see if you are in line with God’s will by choosing someone which you are evenly yoked.
It really does help to write it down, build an excel spreadsheet, or paint it on a canvas; just put it on something where you can visualize it, interact with it. Oh and make that list before dating someone so that you do not skew the whole process by custom building one to that person.
What are your must haves, wants, deal breakers? It is important to know these ahead of time. Then, you can see the red flags clearly. Do not go into any relationship blind because our expectations will let us down and it is unfair to the other person involved to not know ahead of time what your boundaries are and what you are seeking in this type of relationship. If you go in blind you may find yourself with a very unhealthy person. This will lead to you being a very unhealthy person also. Remember, expecting a narcissist, addict, self-absorbed person to be able to continue to shower you with affection and emotionally support you is like going to Home Depot to buy an Edgar’s red velvet cake, not happening.
Some months back my therapist asked me to list my needs or perfect mate. It was build a bear time and I wrote my list within a minute. My list has been the same since I was a young girl. And since I was a young girl I have skipped over the top two characteristics I want in a mate. Yes, there is my vanity showing again. I always have thought I would make a difference and could mold them, impress upon them to possess those top two items on my list. It has NEVER worked out for me. Think I’d learn, right? Nope, I am one stubborn, or just stupid, chic. I am going to share my list with you. Now keep in mind that this is my ideal mate and concessions must always be made. I hope you don’t follow in my footsteps and compromise on the two most important virtues of your perfect mate.
See the “I don’t have anything to apologize for”? My therapist had me write that and then say it out loud like three times. It brought me to tears. It is okay to have this list, these characteristics that you are searching for to invest yourself into another human. And no matter how “big” your list feels, you don’t have to apologize.
And I can tell you, choosing a mate that you aren’t both focused on God can very well lead you away from God and to that person becoming your idol.
2 Corinthians 6:14 New International Version (NIV)
Warning Against Idolatry
14 Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness?
Just Shae It 
I am only reading my second post by you, and I already feel like we are somehow linked. Either we think alike or you and I are some sort of puzzle-piece fit. Or, that’s just me getting carried away by initial feelings.
But, the moment I read about the checklist and “mushpup,” I was nodding and smiling. I have a checklist. Not a very practical one but one that’s fairly “superficial” which is supplemented by gut instinct. As much as I want to look at that checklist, I also want to trust my internal compass. Because I am well aware how my intellect may write one thing when my heart wants another, and the two may not see eye-to-eye. In the end, the strongest feeling is what counts. Whether that’s noticing a big red flag that is being masked by–as you say–spoiling you rotten or noticing some lacking key aspect to a sustainable relationship that you know will result in fractured feelings or the poorhouse. I am not one who likes to focus on finances, as I see many women do (those who write about their relationship hunts online). But, I am aware of the importance of income in our materialistic world…and how that conflicts with what otherwise could be blissful love and relationship exploration.
I see you had similar regards for your ex. You gave greater value to a smaller quantity of items. You ignored the negatives in favor of gut feeling. Unfortunately, that didn’t end well.
Hind sight is no more perfect than foresight. If you had any inkling the relationship would fail that didn’t amount to cold feet, you could have evaluated before moving forward. Giving hind sight any credit is like drowning your ills at a bar or being that girl who eats the tub of ice cream while watching a romantic movie after a breakup.
I’ll say it again; you are good with metaphors.
How could you compose anything in a minute, though. That is where we part. I take all day crafting such a list. I could not work it out to perfection in a single therapy hour; no way.
The quest for a “God-centered” spiritual leader does seem hard to imagine, these days. That sounds like a minister to me. And, unless you live in a “Bible belt” community, how many non-Catholic priests could you meet? I’d be more worried about meeting crooked priests, as I already have.
Why do you have that line at the bottom of the list? No apologies? What prompts that?
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