A very long time ago a label was place onto me by someone I loved with my whole heart. I totally owned it! White picket fence had a double meaning for the person toward me: 1- I was the wholesome, desirable “girl next door”; 2- He was terrified of failing me and felt that I was too perfect and also felt beneath me. But for me it felt like the perfect label (because I knew I had a perfect hiding place behind that fence).
You see, until January 2019, few ever knew there was much mess or chaos to my life. It always looked perfect from the outside. I made sure of it. As long as everyone viewed me as the most well put together person they knew, I didn’t have to talk about feelings or really any messy thing that I didn’t want to talk about. I am not good with expressing the feelings thing.
I have always kept myself quite removed from others. I find lately that I really miss that way of living. But I keep pushing myself forward, for whatever reason. I have never allowed the different pieces of my world to interact with each other, (with the exception of my first husband because we worked together). I have always kept work life and personal life very separate, even family and extended family very limited in interaction. Rarely have I ever introduced my kids or friends (sometimes for years) to anyone I am seeing, and definitely not my work mates. I didn’t even make friends with work mates until recently. Just made it that much easier to keep feelings out of the mix. Can you sense all the fences and different masks? Even as petty as (since my youth) I have not gone out in public or in front of someone I dated without makeup, at least the bare minimum.
I keep pushing out of my comfort zone (both willingly and not so willingly). I had a cataract replacement surgery last week and was told I had to go completely without makeup three days prior to and one week after. I almost cancelled it altogether just for that reason alone; not to mention, I hate doctors and was a bit more than nervous about the procedure. I mean I had just recently gathered the nerve to be seen without makeup AND in a bathing suit at a small pool party hosted by a work mate. Now I was supposed to let all my work mates and my CUSTOMERS see me with a totally bare face. I truly almost had a panic attack the first morning getting ready to go to work without my mask.
I arrived at work and went straight to my cubey (desk/office/cubicle…whatever). Someone passed by and said, “well, you look pretty today”. I was mortified and was sure it was meant as a jab and they were really saying how awful I looked. I just kept about working. As fate would have it, a sales meeting was called. Since COVID19, we have rarely had such meetings. I took a deep breath and went to the front where I normally stand. No one laughed, made fun of or called attention to how awful I looked. As the day went by several commented with, “I like you without all that makeup” and “You are prettier this way”. I finally stopped believing they were meanness disguised as compliments.
I am super hard on myself, in all aspects of my being. I see every flaw in myself vividly. And especially flaws in my appearance, speech, education and just general worldly knowledge. I hate to be recognized in any way and even hate more to read anything aloud or to role play (I am in sales in the car business). When I was younger I had a really bad speech impediment. Yep, even had to go to speech classes for a couple of years. And it rears its ugly head sometimes when I get real nervous. I grew up in a family that loved to point out and make fun of flaws. I quickly learned how to be a wall flower to avoid such fun times. I still to this day, when I am unsure of myself and surroundings, retreat. I will act disinterested and go do something else or quickly change the subject. Even when it comes to my blog, I will schedule it to post some other time than after I have finished writing it so I can pretend it doesn’t exist. Well, unless someone comments on the post I can pretend it isn’t there. I know my grammar is not perfect, far from it, and I am the queen of run on sentences. Most of the time my posts seem like jumbled thoughts strewn together in a pathetic attempt to make a point or to offer encouragement. Again, I just keep pushing along.
Now if you ask someone that I have not let get close to me, they will probably tell you I am very confident, maybe even a bit cocky. My philosophy has always been I didn’t have to believe it to be it. My Mother was in sales and she primed me very early on how to step into the role and to put your fears and feelings in your back pocket. I mean it is always best to hide your weaknesses, right? For the last seventeen months I have mostly stepped away from this way of thinking and let the real me be seen and heard.
I will admit it has been neat to so fully feel accepted (not just the makeup thing here). Soon I can wear makeup again. I told one of my daughter-in-laws tonight that I have enjoyed not having to fuss with it though and I may choose the natural look sometimes still. I mean it is summer and in Alabama at that.
In my past, I have been accused of being too independent, emotionally shut off, and not affectionate. I feel like I have done a 180 with it all. Not going to lie, it is exhausting a good bit of the time and I find that I often want to say “to hell with it all” and go back to relating to the world in my more familiar ways. I have said a couple of times lately that I am over this experiment of being my best version and emotionally and mentally growing and all the mushy gushing feeling stuff. But something whispers to me, “You are so close”. Close to what? Yeah, I could not tell you. I do know that the gentle nudge within me to keep moving forward is consistent.
As to avoid shame, Brene Brown defines authenticity as “a collection of choices that we have to make every day. It’s about the choice to show up and be real. The choice to be honest. The choice to let our true selves be seen.” If you have not listened to her Ted Talk, well it is pretty awesome. I have said it before, but Brene Brown’s book The Power of Vulnerability was a game changer in my life. It was gifted to me via Audible by my ex-husband in 2018. During our lives together, he gave me a great many wonderful gifts. The gift of this book has been the greatest of them all. Seriously, read the book!
Hopefully I choose to keep growing, becoming fully who I am meant to be in this lifetime. I hope that for you as well.
“No one reaches out to you for compassion or empathy so you can teach them how to behave better. They reach out to us because they believe in our capacity to know our darkness well enough to sit in the dark with them.”
Brene Brown The Power of Vulnerability
Just Shae It 