Imagine walking up to a flame and placing your hand directly into it and then getting mad at the flame for burning you. Makes no sense whatsoever, huh?
I have done this exact thing for longer than I care to state. I allowed the actions, or rather the lack of action, of someone to make me quite angry recently. As a result, I was being a complete brat the other day and a friend basically told me to sit down and asked what my problem was. I tried to brush it off but he is very perceptive and can tell when I am lying. So, I was honest. His response stung. He said something like, “Do you just like the chaos?’. I said no, that I in fact hated it. His next words were, “Then just stop, stop it!”. I, of course, argued that it was not that simple. We talked a bit more. He basically restated several times that it was more than okay, even necessary, for me to take care of myself above others; to put my emotional and mental health before other people in my life that do not return that act of love. He has also been asking me a lot lately of when I was just going to let myself be enough. Honestly, I am not sure I know how to go about accomplishing that with myself.
I have been much better this past year of letting people into my little bubble and fully receiving of their friendship and love without being guarded. However, I do recognize I have so much further to go with it all. Through my life I have perfected pushing people away. It is my default. It is awesome and awful that a couple of people have entered into my life in this last year that can so quickly call me out on my bullshit. I get sassy quick with them, but eventually I will let them know I was wrong by behaving in such a way. For me, that is big growth. The old me never retracted words or made apologies for unwarranted things said when I was angry.
A friend and I were talking about her relationship today and laughing at how bad men are at communication in general. The conversation then went to communicating feelings to an intimate partner. I laughed and said yeah I wasn’t able to give guidance in this area because I was just like a man when it comes to that. Aside from my kids and a handful of friends, I am terrible at communicating feelings. I find that I am most awkward with family that I am “suppose’ to love. Feelings are messy! Communicating feelings are even messier! I have dabbled a bit with it, but utterly suck at it…complete fail! My first instinct when feeling is to RUN or to do or say something that just shuts it down. I do not believe I was much assistance to her in helping to work out a few things she had on her mind. I even had a OMG rant that she told her person that she loved him first….JUST NO!!!
With all that being said, there are certain people in our lives that are just suppose to love us, but sometimes it isn’t the love we need that they offer (if any at all). I am tenacious and I hate giving up on anything or anyone that I love. I view it as a failure on my part. That has led me to a place of a lot of resentment and anger as a result of being hurt over and over and over by a particular person. I think I am realizing (finally) that just because someone should love you a certain way isn’t a guarantee they ever will.
Part of my argument the other day was based on my belief that love is giving without expecting anything in return. Now that I have had a few days to think about it all, I have decided that I can still love but not be present in the situation that always seems to leave me injured. So, loving with healthy boundaries. This is just one more step in the direction of me choosing to be healthy and love myself. Let’s face it, if you don’t set boundaries another person is most definitely not going to set those lines that protect your mental and emotional well-being.
I have felt much better since making the decision to give up on this certain person to ever love me the way I need/want. Well, with the exception of today I wandered back into being angry while trying to avoid the feelings that come with the anniversary of the death of someone I loved dearly. Sometimes I think I will never train myself not to choose anger over feeling a loss or pain of any kind. A work mate had a pool party that I attended and it helped me get out of my head about the anniversary. Note to self: solution may be as simple as being social.
The examples of love that I had growing up were: 1- a parent who was totally self-sacrificing. 2- a parent that was a stone wall. From time to time, a brick would slip out of place and I would feel their love. There was no in between, it was black or white, no grey areas.
Maybe it isn’t a fail to stop placing myself in that fire. It could possibly be my biggest win yet. It could be me choosing to believe I am enough without the validation of that person, that label, that relation.
“There were always in me, two women at least, one woman desperate and bewildered, who felt she was drowning and another who would leap into a scene, as upon a stage, conceal her true emotions because they were weaknesses, helplessness, despair, and present to the world only a smile, an eagerness, curiosity, enthusiasm, interest.”
Anais Nin
Just Shae It 