My week has not gone according to plan. I am in sales and this is the last week of the month so normally it’s full speed. But life happens and this week covid19 has disrupted my end of month. I had to be off from work Monday waiting on a family member to get their results back. The test result was negative so Tuesday and Wednesday I got to work. Then, Wednesday night I found out another family member tested positive. As a result, I was off work today and had to go get tested myself. The old Shae would have been spinning out of control with anxiety at this point. I haven’t sat down yet to see if my commissions can cover my weekly draw checks for the month. I am almost certain that I will have to get into my savings account soon. But I am at peace. I have reflected a good bit today on my life and how much has changed over the last couple of years, especially the last 9 months.
I grew up in a very strict southern Baptist home. The words should not were used frequently. I hated the should nots! I was a headstrong, feisty little girl and was disciplined harshly for my personality. Eventually, I gave into living in the tree of knowledge of good and evil (rules, the should nots) and I lost the desire to pursue living in the tree of life (freedom). I am not blaming my parents. They loved me dearly. They just didn’t know any better than to teach me to live life in that way.
I was raised in church and was faithful in adulthood until along the way I became so bitter and angry toward God that I eventually walked away from Him for ten years. In May 2015, I rededicated my life, and in August 2018, I decided to get serious with God, myself and my life.
It has been a huge mountain I have climbed in order to heal mentally and spiritually. Things got a lot scarier before they started getting even a tiny bit better. I have arrived at that place I never thought was possible. I never thought I’d live a life where I didn’t constantly wish for death. My first suicide attempt was at age seven. For nine months now I have not wished for it even once. It’s pretty amazing actually and it’s all been without any meds. Just me and God and a whole lot of determination to choose happiness, vulnerability, and living in gratitude. I had always allowed regret and shame to own my life.
Throughout my life people have gravitated to me to share their secrets and to listen to their hurts. In healing, I have learned to talk to others about my own stuff. Recently I voiced to a friend that I still do not fully trust God. She was shocked hearing that from me, and in return I was confused. She had the opinion that since I try so hard to lead a God centered life that I would of course fully trust Him. I am almost there with God though, finally.
I say all that to say, I am not the way I am naturally. I would hate for someone to think that this just is the way I am because I have always been where I am now with God. I work at it diligently. I wake up every day and before I get out of bed I say something like, “ok, God, it’s me and you today. Thank you for allowing me to wake up; lead me”.
I fail, a lot! I wish I could get this all perfected so it wasn’t such work. Sometimes I am still afraid of my anger and of my ability to allow myself to be mistreated in order to avoid conflict so I will not get angry. Yes, anger is a big thing for me. I work at it often. Also, in my past I either shut myself off from the world to focus on myself or I allowed others to absorb me into their chaos to the point I’d lose myself. I am very black or white and it is a huge effort to learn to live in grey areas, to be flexible with my opinions and rules.
I have learned to live a life that is more about inner peace and less about outward appearance. I slip here and there, but I quickly recover. Comparison is a slippery slope for me. I am very unkind to myself when I compare and judge myself against others.
August 25, 2019, in an abandoned house, someone caught me stepping upon a chair to place a noose around my neck. I was beyond embarrassed and mad. If you’re curious how I went from that to absolutely loving my imperfect self and life, I’m going to share the directives I sat down and made for myself a couple of days later. Because I love lists and directions.
First know this, in addition to the list, I had to learn to be something I had no idea how to be…vulnerable. I had to start letting people outside of my kids love me, help me.
- My list:
- I must not feed my anger.
- I must forgive – again & again & again.
- I must do something productive that makes me feel a sense of accomplishment each day.
- I must be proud of myself, if not for a result then for the effort itself.
- I must just keep trying.
- I must trust God.
- I must find my voice and keep it.
- I must live life and stop existing.
- I must choose happiness.
- I must set boundaries.
- I must control my thoughts.
- I must take care of myself.
- I must read and study my Bible.
- I must pray without ceasing.
- I must put on the armor of God.
- I must believe I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
- I must serve, get out of my bubble.
- I must hope, always.
- I must discover my purpose .
There are 86,400 seconds in a day, I hope you spend yours wisely. We cannot take wealth and material things to Heaven with us. We only get to take who we have become, our character. I want to be more like Jesus. I truly believe if I put God first that everything will fall in line when it is supposed to…even wealth and material blessings. But first I know he is growing me to be what he has designed me to be in this lifetime. The only thing I haven’t accomplished on my list is finding my purpose. I believe it is coming soon.
So teach us to number our days that we may get a heart of wisdom.
Psalm 90:12
Just Shae It 