For a very long time, letting go meant that I stopped hoping and built a vault around myself that only a handful had the combo to enter. I thought I was providing myself with the ultimate protection. Reality was that I had locked myself in with all the hurts, pain, disappointment and labels placed onto me by others and myself. I lived in that vault almost my whole life. Until August 2018, when I got brave enough to open my Pandora’s box and try to heal.
These days I practice letting go often. What does it look like outside of forgiveness? There is a lot more physical letting go than I would have ever expected. Like today, I was in the middle of sorting and filing paperwork (getting ready to do my taxes), and my “journal box” and “Deric box” kept catching my attention. I did not want to go there. At the end of my day, I decided to dive in, deal with it and let it go.
I knew the journal box would be easiest. So, it was my starting point. My approach was to scan through and keep some and shred the others. I stopped reading those old wounds and memories and shredded them all.
I turned to my Deric box and as I readied myself, I felt a tinge of pain. I didn’t want to feel like I was betraying him, even still. However, I did want to let go. I have held onto him and our memories for far too long (since I was a girl). We were together when we were far too young to love the way we did. Family and life decisions ripped us apart. We found our way back to each other in February 2007. We were supposed to get married July 28th. He died June 15th.
Still I don’t know why we came back together just to be ripped apart again. Maybe to remind me that I was capable of receiving love outside of my kids and friends. Maybe just that for awhile I got to love that beautiful man face to face once more.
I’m sure my holding on so tightly to our love and memories have more than handicapped me emotionally. Today I gave away the antique bedroom suit that was ours and my Deric box is no more. I will probably always think of him from time to time…silly little things liked how he would look with his hair turning grey. Today I decided to let go of Deric being my greatest love and all the rest of the mirage that I allowed myself to create while my heart hid truths of how we were far from perfect.
It is small things and sometimes big decisions or changes that occur in my journey that reinforce that I am growing. I take full responsibility for my emotional, physical and spiritual well being. I do love myself very much these days. I do not think I could make another understand what freedom lies in being your own source, fulfilling your needs, building your worth. I am sure it is something that one has to experience for themselves.
God is my rock, but I make my choices. I now let no person, memory, financial status, or any other external force determine my degree of happiness and joy. There are no walls for people to break down to get to my heart. I am open and vulnerable. If I get hurt, then I will heal. If I have a bad day, it is because I have stepped away from living in gratitude or because I am spinning on a bad thought that has caused a bad feeling. Feelings follow thoughts. Train yourself to think positive and there are so many more good days to be had! I choose the happy. In breaking all the strongholds, if I end up with only my clothes and a few items…well I’m good with that.
Maybe tonight was my last good-bye to that hurt and angry little girl in those journals and to Deric…may they both rest in peace.
A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones
Proverbs 17:22
Just Shae It 