Ahh, I don’t know about you guys, but I completely adore my heavy, mushy down feather comforter. It is one of the few things I enjoy about winter. I recently removed it from my bed and placed it into storage until next winter. After doing so, I noticed just how much I have stored and made a decision to purge.
For the last almost two years, I have been cycling through varying types and extremities of purging. I have removed people, places, jobs and things. While I have not quite gotten rid of as much as I intend to, I have learned it is a process. I often get impatient with the process as I want the grand accomplishment of the finish, the win.
I forget to celebrate my “small” wins. I am a Cappy so I like big accomplishment. While it is easy to celebrate the little victories of others, I often dismiss mine as frivolous. I am trying to be better to myself. I have allowed myself to feel a bit of accomplishment this week; even given myself an atta-girl. Not because of any action or deed but because I removed the cozy bedding that was covering my life. I stepped away from my past and into my present…stopped surviving and decided to intentionally live my life.
I’m great at creating rules for myself, judging myself through others’ eyes, and even condemning myself. I am calculated and risk has scared me to death for a very long time now. Always questioning and analyzing everything…analysis to paralysis. I got REALLY good at that. HA! I am not the kind of person to say, “Why not?’. Recently I said it though! And it was fabulous and fun and eye opening to so many other areas in my life.
I have always taken care of someone…my children, friends, a husband, a boyfriend, or a boss. Sometimes willingly and sometimes not so willingly shutting down any interests of mine that took away from them. It has taken me longer than a minute to have this awakening that I am allowed now to have fun doing things I want to do, to resume hobbies I once loved, begin new hobbies and most importantly to chase dreams.
Even though I finally decided to love myself, walk away from abuse and cut anyone out of my life whom treated me less than what I deserved, I stayed in this same mental space. Lost in it for so long, I just remained there. Meaning I was just surviving, just going through the motions, tiptoeing, walking on eggshells and almost lost without someone telling what was and was not allowed. Still believing that I am stupid, worthless and a failure.
I once knew this girl. She was independent, confident (even a bit cocky), good at most anything she decided she wanted to be good at. She was determined, smart, kind, and energetic. She was in love with life and all the opportunities it offered. She was fierce. She was me!
“If you do not intentionally live, you will still live…a dull and sad life. I choose the happy!”
Just Shae It 