“It feels like you are lost somewhere in a land I’ve never been. A land where there are no maps and Siri doesn’t work there. I don’t know how to find you. I have tried to make it to where you are but you always disappear just when I think you’re getting close to being my T****** again and home and us being us. So, I just wait. It feels like I’ve waited forever now.”
I have an uneasy peace tonight. I have taken back my life. Finally, at least I feel like, I have stepped out of the illusion that was so carefully constructed by a man I loved with my whole heart.
There’s still this heavy sadness. My heart and head cannot seem to agree, still. My head tells my heart that he couldn’t have loved me. His actions, his cheating, his verbal abuse, controlling ways, threats to harm me, bruises he left on me in anger and his erratic, forceful and threatening demeanor proved it over and over. My heart answers, but he could be so tender and encouraging. Then my head just rolls my eyes. And the two parts of me go on and on telling their truths.
I know I’m not wrong in taking back what is mine and for finally standing up to someone that ended up just bullying me for so very long; someone that had me living in fear for so long that I don’t know what it is like to not be afraid even now.
I don’t sleep. I notice every loud truck and noise in and around my home and my job. I am so jumpy, nervous and have constant headaches from the lack of sleep. I quit the gym. I don’t go into town, not even a grocery store. I order everything and have it shipped or ready for pickup.
I saw the red flags. I collected them all along the way, folded them neatly and placed them in a chest of hope. I prayed about it all and for him. I loved him so very much that I forgot to love myself. I stopped loving myself enough to the point of I fear for my life because of his actions and threats. All because I believed him when he said he would stop treating me certain ways if I would be the way he needed me to be. And for a very long time I did just that.
My wish is that every person that is seeing red flags in their relationships could feel, if only for a few minutes, what is in my heart now. Maybe it would help them choose theirselves over hoping that person they so blindly love can be who they were in the beginning. The narcissist NEVER becomes that person again. You may see glimpses, but it was an illusion. Reality with a narcissist is cold, bitter, full of fear and doubt.
Now all my hope rests on a piece of paper to protect me. Ah…but it is just paper. God will protect me or he won’t; either way it is well with my soul.
The quote at the beginning of this post is something I wrote to the narcissist several months before I finally ended our relationship. Out of 15 months with this person, 11 were spent feeling like that.
You are important. Your mental, physical, financial and spiritual health are not to be traded to make someone else feel better. You matter as much as your mate does in the relationship. Please do not neglect yourself. Please, do not allow a mate to force you into living in fear of them.
I was so embarrassed. Too embarrassed to ask for help. So the abuse and threats drug on for so very long after the break up. After I asked for help, I wish you could have seen all the people that stepped forward and took action on my behalf. It truly was beautiful. It made me believe in people again. Even people that haven’t lived in abusive relationships showed such empathy and no judgement. Well, this one chic was way snarky with me but maybe she was just having a bad day.
You can search throughout the entire universe for someone who is more deserving of your love and affection than you are yourself, and that person is not to be found anywhere. You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe deserve your love and affection. Buddha
Just Shae It 