I have been through bootcamp in the Navy. I know what it looks like to be torn down and rebuilt. In the beginning, I wanted to rebel but couldn’t because it would have meant severe punishment. Somewhere in the middle, I thought I was going to go mad from sleep deprivation. Then I got with the program and began to understand the outcome desired by my superiors and that the pain was necessary in the rebuilding. I was a better person for having lived that.
In recent years it felt very familiar in that I recognized that God had decided he had let me go far enough into my own ways. He was going to rebuild me, even if I kicked and screamed the whole way. Time after time he revealed things about a person in my life but I would let my heart and my flesh have control and I kept choosing this person.
I knew I was not strong enough to make changes in my life that needed to be made so that God was first in my life. I wanted God in that place but I also wanted this person. I asked God to tear it all down, take it all, strip me bare so that He was my only choice. He did just that.
I won’t pretend I didn’t fight against it a couple of times. Eventually I began to pray for strength. Slowly it came. Until one day I realized how strong I was and I stood up for myself and against the insanity that had become my life. It has been a battle, but I have and am making it with God’s help.
Life isn’t perfect, but it sure has a lot more peace and laughter now. It’s sad that I had to rebel against God for so long, trying to do things my way. There were consequences, some quite severe.
I have a ton of debt on me and my credit score took a bit of a dive from starting a business with someone I should not have. My self esteem took a beating from all his cheating, and the verbal abuse and threats of physical abuse and physical abuse. My health also declined. I was sleep deprived, underweight and a nervous wreck. All this from living in my will instead of God’s will. Now I am not saying I wouldn’t have any hardships had I been in God’s will this whole time. I just don’t believe here on earth that is a possibility. And while God has not magically undone all the chaos from the fifteen months, he is making a way for me and beginning to restore me. My health is so much better, I have gained weight, suicide has not entered my thoughts, I am less nervous and laugh more.
I turned 48 this week. I have not had this much peace since I was 24. It is beyond wonderful to get back to being me and having God at His rightful place in my life.
I am saying all this to say, if you aren’t in God’s will and want to be, ask for it to be done. Repent. It may take a minute, it may be painful, but I promise it is worth it all.
If you would like me to pray for you, just let me know. I would love to take your name to my Father.
Just Shae It 