Happy New Year! It’s been quite awhile since I’ve blogged, but I am back now. In my journey of getting back to being myself, I have had more lows than highs but there were sparks that made me remember what I love about myself. I have experience more energy at times than I can recall having in years. I’ve also been knocked flat on my tail several times along the way. I have been able to get up and shake it off relatively quickly each time.
At the beginning of me choosing me again, I was mostly going through the motions. For example, in February 2019, I joined the gym again. I ended up giving the gym up once again because me going made a person in my life even more insecure. I eventually gave up all my freedoms and fit perfectly into the cage that had been built for me… His pretty little bird with clipped wings. When he demanded that I shut my blog down I think something broke inside of me and I just quit trying to be anything other than what he approved that I could be. Although I didn’t completely shut it down as he demanded, I just stopped blogging.
I became like a Stepford Shae; a pet that someone punished by chaining to a tree and eventually not even given the basics of life. All the while I was cheated on, verbally abused, and also physically abused. I was the most suicidal while with this person than I had been since I was a teenager. I had given up all will to live and had just decided to exist. I knew that somehow I deserved what was happening to me. He had me completely brainwashed!
Thankfully something happened that gave me the will to break free and instead of letting fear freeze me, I leapt into action. The process has been full of insanity and fear, but I’ve kept moving forward. It began with me choosing to go back to a career I once loved. After making that choice, I became tenacious with reclaiming my boundaries. I remembered how strong I am; how independent I am; how capable I am!
I began practicing self-care again. I started smiling again and laughing the kind of laughs where I throw my head back, laugh loud, and hold my tummy. With each step I get stronger and stronger.
My world no longer revolves around trying to save another human being. I am no longer pulled into the black hole of misery they created in their own life. I no longer feel sorry for them. I no longer feel the need to interrupt their consequences for their actions.
I am fully alive. I have a sparkle in my eyes and literally a skip in my step once again. I have energy! I’m getting more sleep than I have had in months. I’ve gained about 10 much-needed pounds. I am strong. I am happy. I am at peace and most importantly have God at the center of my world. I am fearfully and wonderfully made! For the first time in my life, I believe it when I say that now.
It has been a long, hard road to get to where I am now. I have been trying to leave this relationship since November 2018. I still have more ground to cover, but I’m almost feeling healthy. Today I took steps to completely remove a most toxic person from my life. A friend asked how long it had been since I wasn’t living in insanity. My answer was September 2015. That is such a long time! I’m embarrassed to even share that, but it’s a truth of my journey.
“If a man carries his on lantern, he need not fear the darkness” Hasidic Saying
I believe in you! You are stronger than you know. You just have to take that first step, then the next, and the next.
Just Shae It 