“We are only as sick as our secrets. Until we let them out in the light, they keep us trapped”
Courage to Change
Today was a day where emotions swung from highs to lows and everywhere in-between rapidly, shifting in intervals of minutes. Today, I attended the life celebration of a special man that was a friend to a vast group of people from many walks of life. While the event was in and of itself complete sadness, it was alluring to hear others’ testimony of his life. It was collateral beauty in its beginning stages following the tragedy of his leaving this earth at such a very young age.
I knew him when he was just a boy. I enjoyed hearing the stories of him as a man. He was as all american as a kid could be and had the most amazing parents, siblings, extended family, friends and community. I cannot speak of the dark that troubled him because I don’t know that part of his story.
However, I can speak of the darkness that I am familiar with and the exhaustion that comes with trying to keep not only the darkness concealed but all the things that cause it in the first place.
This year I decided to stop with the concealment. I have brought pieces of myself into the light to share with the world in hopes that doing so could help others. Also, I have hopes that it can chase my demons away, or at least I have hopes they will sleep and I can rest. It hasn’t quite worked out that way, but I do feel like I am progressing on the road to a healthier mental state.
I find it disturbing that there are countless numbers of free support groups for alcoholics, addicts, anger management and so on. But if you are in a dark place where suicide seems like your only solution, you have to pick up the phone and dial a hotline and speak to a stranger that knows zilch about your story. Someone please explain why as rampant as depression and other mental illness is in our society, why those of us that suffer are left to rely on only ourselves and maybe the couple of people each of us have that we will even reach out to when we are in a dangerous place in our minds.
I’d love to have a 12 step program to belong to, a group of my people who live and fight to choose life in similar ways as I do. It would be wonderful to have those people to share coping skills, reading material, to just listen to and have them listen, and a sponsor to offer guidance and to hold me accountable to trying to reach a healthier place in life. A sponsor that I could call when it gets too hard to fight against the darkness that is trying to swallow me whole.
My goal of sharing my stories are as much to increase awareness of suicide as it is to warn others, through my own experiences, of toxic relationships, (how to recognize, avoid and survive them).
As my son and I left the service today, we talked about “the dark”; what it means to us; how it affects us. We both agreed that it is almost a total loss of hope. And that is sad! There is hope to be given to those who need it.
We as a nation need to figure this out. A person should not have to have medical insurance or the extra money to be a part of a group where they may obtain the hope needed to fight another day. Our society is so busy with socioeconomic gain that we have almost forgotten how to be human, how to be a community.
Today, I saw a great lil town come together to grieve this special person that I think we each will always wonder if he was failed at his greatest time of need. I hope someone reads this whom possess the knowledge to create a free program that can be as available as AA. We could call it HA…Hope Always. Our slogan could be choose life, choose you or the light shines within us.
I hope…
The highest form of wisdom is kindess.”
The Talmud
Just Shae It 