Thursday night thoughts…These words have echoed in my head for a long while. I do not even remember the season or episode that Bran said the words, “Chaos is a ladder.” I do remember as soon as he said them that I grabbed my phone and put the words in my notes. Sometime later, I started back at the beginning of Game of Thrones. I love Dany and the dragons! I know, I’m a nerd, but I quite like that part of me a lot. Anyway, Bran said, “Chaos is a ladder”, and again it hit me. I paused the show and got my notebook, wrote the words along with the question “opportunity for growth?”.
It is crazy sometimes at a thing that will stick with me on loop. The phrase enters my thoughts at least once a day, every day. I don’t know why I have clung so tightly to this statement. Maybe because it reinforces my hope on some subconscious level. I am a survivor. I have had so much bad happen in my 47 years (sexual abuse, verbal and physical abuse and living in others’ addictions). I have been told by people when they hear a portion of my story that the things I have survived would swallow most up whole. I don’t know about all that. I know people have survived worse than I have and are in a better place than I am with their lives. All that being said, back to chaos. Can it be a ladder?
I have had far more chaos in 2019 than I would have ever anticipated. And I have found myself stressed out and beyond tired again. The tired where I crave to lay down and just be done with the fight. But I know that’s not the way I am wired when it comes down to it. I will pull myself up once again. I will find my smile and my spunk. But today, today I will allow myself to be tired.
Some think it is awful that I am as OK as I am with death. That I welcome it most of the time, even on the good days. I think it is because I know I have tried my best to do right by people in my life. I have only a couple of regrets in my life. And those couple of regrets were done long ago. I have no control where they are concerned so I don’t torture myself over them. If you ask me, I think the crazy ones are the ones that are afraid of death. The ones that cling to this world. I mean who doesn’t want to go be with God, Jesus, all the people that have gone before you, the angels, and ALL THE ANIMALS that you can run with and love on for eternity? And I am sure there are some critters up there that I have never even got to see on Earth, the knowledge, jumping clouds and the food! Can you even imagine? So yeah, I don’t care who thinks I am crazy because I feel like I do about death. Death equals Heaven for eternity to me. Now I am sure the actual dying part is going to totally suck! But it’s the reward afterwards, right? Right! So at the end of some days I look up and say, “Not today, huh?”. Maybe I have a sick sense of humor, but I am OK with that part of myself also.
I am tired of the chaos and am in need of my quiet cave where I can escape. I have been forced out of it and into far too much socialization as of late. It’s kind of like being in a world where there’s no oxygen. I feel like I am about to implode or worse, explode. My little horns have been out for a minute and it has been harder and harder to bite my tongue and keep mean things from coming out of my mouth. My tongue has always been such a struggle for me to control. While I have become much more disciplined with it, all the same, it is still a struggle to contain at times when I haven’t been allowed my quiet time.
Tonight I was afforded a little solace. My brain actually got to switch off the “make sure everyone is alright and taken care of and no one is offended or mad at me” mode and just sink into a relaxed state. It didn’t last long, but it lasted long enough for me to have a thought…”chaos is a ladder”.
I paused the TV, grabbed a pen and my notebook from my bag and said to myself, “you are working this one out tonight, chickadee.” So here I am, working it out.
I love knowledge. I love to grow, to become better at anything really. My favorite is to become a better Shae, to try to be the best version of myself each day. That makes me smile. Because I know when I am that person that I can be a blessing to others and that my light for God shines brightly on those days. I have asked God to grow me so many times these past 9 months that I believe I have invited the chaos. I thought I’d gone too deep into the madness these last few weeks. Today I think I was resigned to thinking life isn’t going to go the way I want it to and the anxiety had returned to stay with me again.
Chaos is a ladder…hope. I place my right hand on the rung above my head, lift my right foot to the rung up from the one it is now on, I place my left hand on the rung above where my right hand grips tightly, left foot up one more rung. I will continue this movement I think my entire life. Because it is what I am supposed to do. You don’t sit on a ladder. Who hangs out on a ladder? No, you keep with the upward movement until you arrive at the end. Then you visit that place for whatever time you are suppose to, until you find yourself at the base of yet another ladder. Then you begin again. This ladder I am on is just a REAL tall one! But I will reach the top of it, or I won’t. But in the mean time, I will keep climbing with hope in my heart that at the top of the ladder is something extraordinary to make me smile like a Cheshire cat.
Sometimes I get through a day in 2 minute increments. Some days I loose track of time (I like those days). In my heart, I know it is the days I talk myself through the steps that I progress to a better version of myself.
Tonight I got the big, deep breath I was so needing. It came just as I was telling myself I was done being nice and respectful to people who aren’t as considerate toward me, or really in the least. As I drove home from work, I even replied to a work email and was a bit curt. I almost did not feel bad. I thought, “there, you snide little beast”, as I pressed send. Haha…now that was ugly of me. Yeah, my horns were out a tad. They are still out a tad. I am sure by morning though that I will be back to my normal self, worrying about everyone else’s needs and neglecting my own.
I wish I would get better at being consistent with taking care of myself. But somehow, at my core, that seems like a selfish world for me to live within. I am a care taker. I always have been and I enjoy taking care of others. I enjoy making others feel good, bringing a smile to them. If everyone concentrated just a bit more on being considerate toward others, well we would all feel treasured and appreciated. I won’t hold my breath on that one though.
“When everything is moving and shifting, the only way to counteract the chaos is stillness. When things feel extraordinary, strive for ordinary. When the surface is wavy, dive deeper for quieter waters.”
Kristin Armstrong
“The Lord has made everything for its purpose, even the wicked for the day of trouble.”
Proverbs 16:4 ESV
“Count it as joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.”
James 1:2-4 ESV
“Chaos is a ladder.”
Bran, Game of Thrones
“I am not going to stop the wheel. I am going to break the wheel.”
This is another statement that sticks with me. Again, hope; hope that I possess the ability with God’s help to break the wheels that need broken and to learn to steer the ones that are meant for me to use.
Kinda crazy that a show that turned my stomach with all the sex in the first couple of episodes has become such a source of inspiration and an escape to a fantastical world.
Daenerys Targaryen
Just Shae It 