Addiction, it completely bewilders me. One would think with as many addicts as there have been in my life that I’d have a firm understanding of this thing that robs so many from so much. I do not think I will ever understand how or why a person would give a substance control over their life, lose their family to it, their jobs, their will.
I am familiar with addiction, all of them…alcohol, opiates, benzos, and work-a-holism. I know all the signs and symptoms, but not the whys. My constant need to understand and to save have cost me many hours of sleep and brought me more tears than I would even care to know in number.
Maybe the need to save these beautiful souls is my own addiction. It sure seems to have owned a large part of my life. I didn’t cause it. It was a gift from my Daddy that I have nurtured. I can’t control it. That is definitely apparent! It always finds me and I always become consumed by it. I can’t cure it. I have turned it over to God.
I am not letting my hamster on her wheel. I accept this part of myself. I intend to learn how to make different choices. I choose for now to focus on God, work my steps in Al-Anon, go to church, be involved in small groups and get back to regular visits with my therapist. I refuse to chase another rabbit down the hole just to become lost in that world again.
My most damaging flaws consist of fear of abandonment, control freak and my need to understand not only my own motives but those of everyone in my life. I analyze EVERYthing. It is exhausting. I don’t know exactly how to overcome these things about myself so for now I am giving them to God.
I have never thought of myself as having a “Daddy issue”, until the wee hours of this morning. I have asked myself repeatedly lately, “what is wrong with me? Why do I attract the men that I do?” This should have been glaringly apparent. I don’t know if I missed seeing it until now or if I’ve known and just refused to be honest with myself. As far back as I can remember I rescued Daddy when possible and always made excuses for his behavior. I defended how broken he was. I never made him own his part because PawPaw broke him. Daddy was a beautiful, talented person with a huge heart and a gorgeous laugh. Even though I knew his shortcomings fully by the time I was 12 or so. I chose to look beyond them all because of how hurt his heart was.
I remember pulling Daddy from bars more times than I can count. Daddy was handsome and charming and it caused him a lot of trouble. On more than one occasion I have taken Daddy from the bar to the hospital. I was 10 when he taught me to drive the back roads so that he could drink. And many times I have rode in the trunk when he was done with hearing my saying maybe he had drunk enough for now. He made it a game but I knew he just didn’t want to be fussed at by me. So, I always played along and acted like I liked riding in the trunk. I was groomed early to be excellent in the ways of enabling and rescuing and denying, turning a blind eye for the sake of not being a bother, disrupting the fun or causing a conflict.
I was never able to save my Daddy, He said I was the best thing he ever did in his life. Yet, J.W. Kilgore would not choose me and be the healthy Father that I could depend on. I have also failed at saving every addict since him that has captured my love with their beautifully broken souls. I have seen pieces of my Daddy in each of them. And it doubly broke my heart each time I failed to save them from themselves. So, I would keep trying to save the next one. I would learn and try harder with each addict. I think I feel if I save one, I’d feel worthy of being loved. I’d stop punishing myself for failing Daddy.
I don’t want to play this game I have played all my life any longer. I don’t want to worry about someone choosing the substance over living a happy, healthy and productive life. I don’t want to live in the rabbit hole they’ve created, the one they choose with addiction.
I wish I had discovered Al-Anon or Children of Alcoholics when I was a kid still. But I didn’t. I am thankful that I ordered the books last September and started working the steps. I am at the beginning of step four. I haven’t been to a meeting yet but I plan to attend one as soon as I can find one that fits in with my schedule.
I have discovered my addiction, now the hard part, breaking the habit.
“Deep into that darkness peering, long I stood there wondering, fearing, Doubting, dreaming dreams no mortal ever dared to dream before; But the silence was unbroken, and the stillness gave no token, And the only word there spoken was the whispered word, “Lenore?” The Raven by Edgar Allan Poe
Just Shae It 