She’s a party girl. He’s a typical jock. She’s a good girl. He’s a perfectionist. She is backwards and strange and he is just a goof. He/she is completely broken and dangerous. That group is full of do-gooders. This group is all the stoners. Does any of that speak of the good in anyone? Yeah, I hope you agree with me that labels really do not serve well. That party girl may have the worst, most destructive home life. That jock, well maybe his parents were always too busy feeding energy into his brother’s academics and he was told that he’d never be as good, so he stopped trying and got really good at ball. And maybe that good girl and that guy that is such a perfectionist, maybe accomplishment is so important to them because it allows them to hide the shame of being molested. You get the idea.
It is often exhausting to write a post for my blog. Not because I labor over the words I write, but because of the labels I know I am given as people read my words. But I keep trusting God and keep posting my words, thoughts, memories and sharing things that have happened during my 47 years on this earth.
There have been so many times when I have been going through a difficult time that I have turned to Google. Yes, I said Google. I used to refuse to talk to anyone about anything emotional, anything that tore my heart to shreds. One reason being that I never wanted to be a bother to anyone. Another reason was fear. I was afraid to let anyone know how much I hurt. I felt like it gave away my power if I allowed a weakness to be exposed. And to me it was weak to feel those feelings or to cry. I still am not all the way through that one. I still feel weak when I cry or when I tell someone they have hurt my heart.
I would Google, hoping to find someone in the world that was sharing their story and their words could help guide me out of my mess. Show me that I could survive, more than just survive, maybe.
I’ve grown up in church. But there were ten years of my life when I was so angry at God, I would not step foot in a church. I refused to have a serious talk with Him or to pick up my Bible as often as needed. I am beyond thankful that something happened in my life May 2015 that made me choose God. When it happened I knew I was at a crossroad in my life. I was so full of rage. I knew I had to pick God or go down a path of destruction that may never offer the opportunity to go back home to my Heavenly Father.
There has to be a reason that my story belongs to me. There has to be good that can come from a little girl being molested from age 5 to age 10, several (yes, I said several) rapes, and that little girl growing up feeling so filthy and so worthless. I truly believed that no good man would ever want me. I was too used up, too broken, too dirty and was not someone that a person would be proud to call theirs. Satan ruled my self worth for 37 years. He no longer owns that part of me. He still whispers his lies and I still struggle. I haven’t fully bought into that I am fearfully and wonderfully made. But I am getting there. I feel more clarity than ever before. I have faith that God will bring me fully into knowing who I am in Him.
It is not my fault those people did those awful things to my little body. I am no longer ashamed. I will stand and say I have survived. I have survived those terrible things done to me and I have survived the destructive choices I have made in life because of them. I am learning to live and not just exist, waiting for death.
Tears still come when I have the bad dreams and when I cannot get the images out of my head. I still am trying to figure out how to completely trust God. I think I discovered yesterday that I have to go back and forgive God and the two people that molested me’ as a child (one is dead, the other I have no idea where he is). Did I just say that I must forgive God? Yeah, where was my Father when my 5 year old body was being used to bring pleasure to someone else? I am not sure if that is a thing I can even do, like is even allowed? I have no clue! But I believe me not fully trusting God is what is holding me back from being all that I am supposed to be in this life. I don’t know any other way to trust someone that has hurt me aside from forgiving them. I don’t know, maybe I am wrong. If I ever figure this part out, I will be sure to share it with you.
If me exposing my life can be a small light that leads someone to God to be healed, then I am gonna let my little light shine.
“Let us share our losses and triumphs with each other, for that is how we gather courage.”
Courage to Change One Day at a Time in Al-Anon II
Check out “Loving My Jesus” by Casting Crowns on Amazon Music. https://music.amazon.com/albums/B01HJ91HEC?do=play&trackAsin=B01HJ91WOW&ref=dm_sh_3YmgyAzWg7GMyEI1i8p7ZbzKh
Just Shae It 