“Let not mercy and truth forsake you; bind them around your neck, write them on the tablet of your heart, and so find favor and high esteem in the sight of God and man.” Proverbs 3:3-4.
Caution, this contains strong language and violence. I am just trying to be as authentic as possible and I do not know how else to convey this message or these emotions.
He cheated just hours before he made love to me in our home. I wanted to cut his penis off and cram it down his throat as punishment for cheating on me. I wanted to split his chest open to expose that dark heart that was so easily capable of betrayal and pull it out and let him watch as it stopped beating. I wanted to take a spear and shove it from the base of his skull up through his brain so that he could never form another lie to speak again. Even now as I type this, my heart pounds and my hands tremble. I can remember the hurting of my heart as though it happened yesterday and rage swooping down to take control of my life once again.
When I confronted him with the knowledge of his betrayal, he got angry, cussed, blamed me for his cheating and then fled. Because life doesn’t stop just because I had discovered his secrets. He left for work just thirty minutes or so after I found out that he was cheating, physical cheating with another woman and also talking with several through messages and on a dating site. He didn’t say he was sorry. He didn’t cry and beg forgiveness. He got angry and left for work.
I was ENRAGED. The old Shae quickly resurfaced. I had worked hard to overcome that part of me. I thought that Shae was gone. But she was not and is not. I had seen glimpses of her through the years but I was always able to remain in control. Not this time though. My heart was so very hurt. I never saw it coming! Not the cheating, I saw that coming. My gut instinct has always been very strong and accurate. What I did not see coming is that I had given him my heart and that he had the ability to crush it like it was nothing at all.
I was with my rage all day, probably nine hours or so. I said awful, cold, mean things to him through text. I stalked the person that he had cheated with and sent him pictures of her along with taunts and comments on how old and how ugly she was. In between texting him, psycho dialing him, planning his murder, planning his ruin by telling everything I knew on him to all the right people so that he would suffer the consequences, I also screamed at God. I cried so hard. I cried because my heart was shattered at him and at God, and I cried because I was so full of rage. The planning of his murder was so dominating in my thoughts. I didn’t care if I went to prison or not. I wanted him dead. Yeah, not my finest hours.
Then I heard a whisper between my rants and cries. It said, ‘But I love him”. I literally screamed out, “You do not love him, Shae!”. Then the whisper came again, “I love him. I love him like I love you, just as much, no more, no less.”. I realized then that it was God. I was angrier still. I didn’t understand why God was telling me this right now. I mean really? Did God expect me to step into forgiveness on this one? Yes, he did and I knew it as soon as the second whisper came and went.
My anger turned toward God. I was all like, “Ok, well I am being so good and you let this happen to me! I deserve better than this! You said you love me! HA! I don’t need or want that kind of love from you or anyone! I am going back to the old version of Shae, you know the one where no one can hurt me because I don’t care about them and I don’t let myself need them.” That time there was no voice, whisper or otherwise. And I understood that God was not going to argue with me on this and that I had free will. My heart broke even harder because I knew what I needed to do and I did not want to choose that path. I wanted to retaliate and to defend and protect myself.
Instead, at day’s end, I knelt and said, “I don’t want to forgive him. I don’t want to even ask for your help in wanting to forgive him. I want him dead. I want him to hurt. I want his heart to shatter to a billion pieces. I want to see him lose everything he loves. But I will sit still. I will not react. I will not speak to him if I can not at least be civil. I will be still and let you work this out. Take it all. I don’t want any of it. I just want you, Lord.”
Later that day he text then called me needing me. He had run into trouble and it was no small problem as a result. I assisted with the situation. I felt weak for having helped him and told God as much.
When he came home. We passed and repassed and were civil when it was necessary to speak. This way of life went on for some time. It was like living with a ghost. I hated every minute of it, especially when the person would try to be sweet or just have a general conversation. I had to talk to God so much to keep from screaming and cussing or from physically hurting this person that I was forced to share space.
As time passed, he continued to try to engage me, take me out on dates, to show me kindness (when I was still like an ice sculpture). Eventually, my heart softened and became more and more responsive to his efforts.
I am all too familiar with rage. I may be a small woman but I have the ability to be a two-ton wrecking ball when I am emotionally wounded or when someone hurts my children. I have lived the better part of my life being mad. It is a coping mechanism that I learned as a child. It has always been easier for me to be angry than to be hurt as a result of being vulnerable. Living angry did not allow me to completely not feel. I still got hurt along the way. Anger just made it much easier to box the hurt and stack it away. I was too naive (or maybe just plain stupid) to understand that living in such a way would eventually catch up. Rember that Pandora’s box I told you about in an earlier post?
During this time I read somewhere to let time take time. Reading that even made me angry, but those four words stuck with me and I still remind myself of them often. Then, I didn’t want time to take time. I wanted it over now! But we all know that healing of any kind takes time and there is no magic amount that works for us all. You will know when you have arrived. The journey from rage to forgiveness is not comfortable or fun, but required in the process of healing wounds and fully recovering. It is a process to get back what was lost. Now I am not saying a relationship will make it to the other side of forgiveness. I am telling you that you will gain your peace, your hope, your ability to smile again.
I was eventually able to look him in the eyes and tell him that I forgave him. He smiled. He didn’t respond with any words at all. That was confusing, to say the least, but I was so surprised that when I spoke those words that I did not cry that I did not comment about him only smiling. I did not justify or excuse how badly he hurt me and I didn’t need a verbal acceptance from him of my forgiveness. I think that is how I knew that I truly forgave him. I remember thinking to myself that is what mercy must look like.
Speaking of mercy, I was shown mercy myself from someone that had every right to want me dead. I had betrayed something precious to her years ago when I was a different version of myself, a much worse version. I thought that secret was long buried and would never resurface for me to have to deal with on any level. I had made my peace with what I had done and I had asked for forgiveness from God and another. But as sins and secrets always seem to do, this particular thing I had done so many years earlier came to the surface once again. There was a situation where I had to tell someone I love of what I had done and wait to see if she would judge or forgive. She loves me dearly and no judgment was passed. I once again believed the secret to have been dealt with and put away for good. Then, I received a text and I knew the conversation was coming. The conversation where I would have to pay for that betrayal. She called, informed me that she knew and she was over it and she just wanted to move forward. I was shocked, humbled and stood in awe of her. I thought, “How could you be over it? You only just found out yesterday.” But I didn’t speak that. I accepted her forgiveness and thanked her for her mercy. She then asked if she could lead a prayer before we hung up. She prayed a beautiful prayer and in there she asked for blessings for me, the person that had done something so awful to her. When we hung up I heard a whisper. God said, “Remember how hard and how long you fought me when I asked you to show mercy? And now I have let you feel it for yourself.” and I cried out and thank God and asked for forgiveness for being so willful and so proud. Not only was I shown mercy but I gained a Sister in Christ that loves and prays for me and offers her encouragement through God’s word. She texts worship songs and wishes for good days. I hope to one day be as obedient as she is in her walk with God. What a legacy she is creating!
36 Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful.
Luke 6:36 New International Version (NIV)
17 The merciful man does good for his own soul,
But he who is cruel troubles his own flesh.
Proverbs 11:17 New King James Version (NKJV)
Just Shae It 